i can't

i have become increasingly more distraught about tomorrow. i am dreading it. I can't bear the thought of having my alarm go off tomorrow morning at 6.30. I can't imagine myself getting out of bed while it's still dark out. But i know that I have to. I have to get up. I have to make myself move. I have to get through the day pretending that i'm fine and have everything under control when i don't! I won't have everything under control! once again i am left in charge of something that i'm not ready to command. once again it all falls on my shoulders to make sure the day goes well. once again i have to force a smile, force a laugh, force back the tears. Once again I have to make people listen to me. I have to make them do what I say. I have to make 20some people sit down, shut up, and listen to ME! the shortest and smallest and one of the youngest people in the class. I have to set it all up. I have to take it all down. I'm gonna be so darn behind in school. oh crap. i can't do this. I can't i can't icanticanticanticanticanticanticanticanticantICAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if only.. if only... never mind... it doesn't matter. yes it does. I need a hug so bad. i need this all to go away. I need to not have any responsibilites, cares, or anything. i.. i don't know. i don't even knw what i'm trying to convey. other than the fact that i'm about to explode into tears and that i'm about to i don't know... do something. i don't know. i don't know. i'm all empty and alone inside. so empty. so alone. nothing left.

dead